Grieving Process Unique to Individual
2011 February 10 by MaxJenn
In commemorating what would have been his 100th birthday, there have been numerous articles and television segments on about Ronald Reagan. But a “sound bite” that really caught my attention was from wife Nancy Reagan, who talked about her grief.
“Everyone said it would get easier as time went on,” she said. “But I think it’s gotten worse. I miss him more.”
In our 70-plus years serving families in Central Indiana, A.R.N. Cremation realizes this is not an uncommon occurrence. If you have experienced the loss of a loved one, you may well have felt the same way. As late as last week I was chatting with a friend whose husband had passed away three years ago. “I don’t know why, but this past holiday was the most difficult yet. I found myself crying all the time.”
My friend went to a grief counselor who proclaimed these feelings very normal and part of the grieving process. And for many, realizing that grief isn’t a day or a week or a month; grief is a process that is as unique as the individual experiencing it.
You’ve probably heard about those five stages of grief:
- Denial: “This can’t be happening to me.”
- Anger: “Why is this happening? Who is to blame?”
- Bargaining: “Make this not happen, and in return I will ____.”
- Depression: “I’m too sad to do anything.”
- Acceptance: “I’m at peace with what happened.”
But even the author of these stages (Elisabeth Kübler-Ross) embraced the absolute individualism in which people mourn and grieve. She wrote in the last book before her own death, “They were never meant to help tuck messy emotions into neat packages. They are responses to loss that many people have, but there is not a typical response to loss, as there is no typical loss. Our grieving is as individual as our lives.”
So, with grief you may experience all of these stages and not in any particular order; you may experience none of these stages or only two or three. Most importantly, experts urge you to first, seek support of others; do not grieve alone. Friends and family, grief support groups, your faith and grief counselors are all ways with which people can openly discuss and address their loss and their grief.
Secondly, you need to take care of yourself. Give yourself permission to grieve and feel sad; maybe journal about your feelings. Some people even find writing a letter to their departed loved one is one way to find closure.
And finally, be prepared for “grief triggers.” Things that you see or hear through the normal course of a day that may resurrect your grief – a car, a song, and many times special dates like anniversaries or birthdays. These are perfectly natural, even coming years after your loss. Embrace these moments as a time to remember your loved one and share your memories.
