Funeral Etiquette for the 21st Century
2011 June 27 by MaxJenn
As our culture has become increasingly relaxed and even casual, many of the “rules of etiquette” have gone by the wayside. Women rarely wear hats and gloves when they go out – once a “must” – and gentlemen can often be seen sporting a golf shirt beneath a sports jacket. Ties are reserved for formal affairs and the occasional important meeting.
Nonetheless, a few etiquette rules remain when it comes to funerals.
Today dressing in black is not necessarily required for a funeral; in fact, some deceased request that no one wear black at all. However, bright colors and loud patterns can often send the wrong message to the bereaved so remember to be respectful. It is also very important to resist the urge to slip into that “little black dress” as being conservative is also a sign of respect. When in doubt subdued colors are always appropriate.
Upon learning the news of a death, always reach out to the deceased loved ones. This can be through a visit, a phone call, a card or flowers. If calling, keep the call brief and make sure to listen and focus on the survivor; also be ready to leave a short message as they may not be taking calls.
When sending a card, a personal message is always appreciated as is the simple gesture of the card itself. Sending flowers to the funeral home or survivors has become a natural reaction, but more and more families are requesting an “in lieu of flowers” donation to a favorite charity or cause. These directives are often included in the obituary, found either in the local paper or on the mortuary’s own website.
Finding the right things to say is never easy. A simple “I’m sorry for your loss” is always appropriate, but telling a story or fond memory of the deceased can be very meaningful for the family. Please avoid using the ‘it was for the best’ phrase. Despite one’s good intentions, it can be perceived as being disrespectful.
Don’t forget to sign the guest book. This is useful and even a bit comforting for the family, so they can later see who came to visit and how they knew the deceased.
Finally, turn off all electronics! A funeral is not the time or place to show off your new ringtone. Note, the buzz from the “vibration mode” does not go unnoticed. Set your phone to silent or better yet, leave it in the car.
Funerals provide a sense of closure for friends and families; it is a time to focus, show one’s support and offer a kind gesture. Remembering these things will make a difficult situation a bit easier.
